A Personal Story on the Journey of Transforming Patterns of Anxiety and Sensory Overwhelm

I'm sharing this story because I am excited to have had this experience today. I am also sharing it because it is a great way for me to describe the value of somatic repatterning.

Repatterning is a huge component of what I offer to my clients as a somatic movement therapist and somatic mental health practitioner. Somatic repatterning is not just about physical change - it is applicable to challenges related to movement, action, behavior, emotions, thoughts, beliefs and stories. Repatterning is about consciously changing your relationship with your spiritbodymind.

To that end, here is the story I would like to share:

I am standing at the computer in my home. There is sudddenly some major mechanical something happening in my neighborhood - it sounds like a giant grinder - it is louder and persistent. The pressure from the sound is affecting my nervous system. I notice that it feels as if my skull is being compressed and I am holding my breath. I feel jittery. I notice I feel under attack and I'm starting to get ramped up.

I am feeling sensations similar to those I experienced during anxiety attacks in the long ago past. I am having an experience that was not uncommon to me for several years after my traumatic brain injury. I am experiencing sensory overwhelm and it is triggering anxiety and PTSD patterns in my body. It feels pretty horrific.

I can feel myself wanting to go into a story about the stupid f&*king noisy ass world and wanting to go into an emotional cycle of anger/rage because I feel helpless. I want somebody to scream at. I want to vent to someone who might be able to to do something or make me feel less vulnerable. I can feel the sympathetic part of my nervous system wanting to react: fight or flight? But there is nothing to fight and I don't want to run because I want to stay in my home and keep working. I can feel myself wanting to collapse into a ball, crawl into bed, plug my ears, try to hide from the pressure and the noise. I feel helpless. Sad, overwhelmed helpless victim stuff comes up. This has the potential to be traumatic - I feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, small and vulnerable.

All of this happens in about three seconds.

AND YET, none of it actually happens.

I am, instead, standing here writing to you, grounded, curious.

I did not go into any of the above because I noticed the PATTERN of the cycle of overwhelm and I was able to call on the various neuromuscular patterns within me that I have consciously established over the last several years to help me in this kind of situation. I consciously established this patterns in my neural network by repeatedly practicing various somatic embodiment exercises, every day, multiple times a day, as my life practice.

In short, I called on the patterns that I have learned are valuable for me to be able to live life more fully and that I, in turn, teach and guide and explore with my clients regularly.

I recognize that I was able to notice the old pattern of anxiety and overwhelm because I have these other patterns established in my neural network. Because I was able to short circuit the old patterns, I was then able to choose to take embodied actions that allowed me to stay present with the reality that I am safe, even while I am experiencing the sensory discomfort of the sound and pressure.

Because I could feel the way my nervous system was being tweaked and because I have practiced tending to my body when it gets tweaked, I was able to choose to yield and ground, rather than getting pulled into reactive patterns.

Having done the reps necessary to establish a set of neural pathways directed toward ease and safety, I was able to respond, to stay grounded in my body and breath, to decrease the pressure on my skull (what a miracle), and to lessen the sensations of overwhelm in my whole system.

In case you didn’t catch the gist above, this DID NOT happen by accident.

I was able to give care to myself today in that way as a result of a regular practice of daily somatic, embodiment explorations. And I did those practices because I wanted to be able to support myself better in situations JUST LIKE THIS ONE! I was able to do this because of the many times I've not been able to proactively notice approaching overwhelm, the many times I've gotten tweaked, the many times I've raged or ran or collapsed or froze...and the many times all that happened but then I realized, after the fact, that I do have choices to respond differently, even when my anxiety and sensory overwhelm try to tell me otherwise.

So here I am, in this moment, writing to you, after an experience where I realized, in the moment, that I had a choice to respond differently.

The sound and pressure are still there.

The feelings that my body is experiencing in response to it is still uncomfortable. I will be very relieved when it has ended.

However, I am also really excited to have had this opportunity to actively notice and choose to stay in my body during this difficult experience. It is powerful for me to be able to acknowledge to myself that there is no related emotional content or story that will deplete me, now or in the future. I feel strong in my ability to give care to myself. Knowing that I was able to deal with this experience of sensory overwhelm and anxiety without exacerbating my discomfort is incredibly healing. Praise be to this journey! It has been some of the hardest work of my life. I am grateful to myself for this hard work I have done. I am grateful to you who have read through all of this. This journey of healing is an ongoing process and I feel blessed that I have been able to share with you in this way.

If reading this inspires you to learn more about the process of somatic repatterning to help you develop more capacity to identify and transform patterns in your life that no longer serve you, please contact me at 573-575-6683. You can read more about repatterning on my website: http://www.embodimentllc.com/individual-sessions

Enjoying a Hyacinth: A Living Story of the Process of Change

It all started with an intention, a desire to have hyacinths blooming in my garden this Spring. I had a desire, even though I had my doubts.

You see, I have tried in the past and it has been unsuccessful...for various reasons.

Sometimes I would forget where I planted the bulbs and they'd get damaged as I dug around to plant something different in the same place.

I suspect that sometimes squirrels were to blame - or at least, I chose to blame them, even though I never actually SAW a squirrel digging up a hyacinth bulb.

And then there is the fact that hyacinths are delicate.

They are easily pushed over by the wind, especially early in the process when they only have their single stalk as support.

I realized going into this that I could be disappointed.

I also realized I had a lot of experience of what NOT to do that I could build on. This is the process of growth, learning and change.

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And so, with all of this whirling around in me last fall, I took the first easiest step toward enjoying the blossoms of this hyacinth: I bought the bulbs…with awareness.

Consciously I chose high quality bulbs, rather than impulsively picking some up at the market.

I then considered - for many weeks, as the weather got cooler and the time for planting loomed: where would I plant these bulbs and how could I do it so that I might have more success this time?

I thought about where I could plant them that would protect them from the wind, the squirrels and, most of all, my own forgetfulness!

I thought about how I'd never invested in bulb food in the past...and then made the investment to do so this time. What could it hurt? It might even help! That’s its purpose, right?

I found a protected spot right outside my front door where my future hyacinths would be sheltered from the wind.

I hoped that the proximity to my house would not only discourage the squirrels but would also encourage me, as I passed the spot each day, going in and out of my house, to remember my hibernating desires deep under the soil.

And after all that consideration, I planted the bulbs…

hoping

and yet not knowing whether this year would be any different.

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The photo above shows what a difference two weeks makes in the springtime life of a hyacinth

Two weeks from bud to bloom but, in truth, the whole process took months...and in fact, took years, from the very first time I ever desired to grow a hyacinth sometime in the early 90’s to having a successful and gorgeous bloom in Spring 2021.

This is a story about the process of change.

Sometimes it seems like it happens overnight

or in two weeks

but the truth is, it has been happening all along.

Intention. Attention. Failures. Learning. Intention. Attention. Practice.
I hope you enjoy the sharing of my blossoming desires! Wonder I will learn this time around?

Embodying the Movement Practice of Stability and Change

I am sharing and commenting on this excerpt from one of my favorite daily books of contemplation and inspiration because it speaks to something that is very important to my own perspective about movement, not just yoga but all the movement of living life..

The quote begins:

I teach a flowing style of yoga in which one posture flows into the next. The transition between postures are postures in their own right. The breath and the meditation are unbroken. This is not true in all styles of yoga, nor is such a flow necessary in order for a form of yoga to be effective. The lesson remains, however, that it is our tendency to pay attention to the postures themselves, not to the spaces in between. So it is in life. We leave one relationship or job and set out sights on the next. We cross one item off the to-do list and dive into the next chore. The illusion is that the posture ends.

The reality is that the posture never ends, it just shifts from one form to the next, one lesson to the next, one opportunity to the next. We remain life's student whether we are inhaling or exhaling, in a relationship or out of one, saving the world or looking for a temp job. The posture never ends.

-Rolf Gates, "Meditations from the Mat"

I wholeheartedly agree!

As a species (or perhaps just as a culture) it seems we tend to pay attention to the static moments and the "tasks" of living, and ignore the spaces of movement, the periods of transition in between.

Because of this propensity, we miss out on so many opportunities to notice, observe and learn about our many habits and patterns. We focus on the destination or final product and overlook the options and choices we unconsciously ignored as we moved toward this (temporary) destination!

Because of this habit of focusing on product without recognizing the complexity and process that is involved in all movement, we miss out on the opportunities to explore the choices that are available to us, if we could but see them. We miss out on so many opportunities to expand our resiliency.

In Laban Movement Analysis we use the concept of the “phrase” to expand our focus from the single point in time. We recognize that every single movement and movement sequence can be described within the concept of a “phrase” which recognizes that all movement has a beginning From which we move Through (space, time, an emotion, a body system) that results in our arrival To another place or state (that can and will itself be part of the Through or To of other phrases!

Movement is always moving from-through-to! Every breath, every action, every thought, every relationship, every movement has these three “states” - and this applies to the practice of yoga as well.

This habit of focusing almost solely on the “To” part of the process (the product) is something I observe repeatedly in those clients who seek my support to deepen their yoga practice (as well as those who seek my support for other challenges!). Most clients come to our work together focused on some act of "doing" that they find challenging: they want to "fix" whatever is wrong and then hold on tight to the “right” way of “doing”. They are usually very surprised when I invite them to slow down, shift their focus and join me in exploring the experience of being with the process. Together, over time, we will move From and Through the more foundational developmental patterns that will, with practice, expand their capacity to discover ways to arrive To the place/posture/moment that they desire that is more fully enlivened and more easily created - in their yoga practice and in their life. A place/posture/moment that is, itself, a new place to move From!

This is my approach because I do not teach yoga. My approach as an RSME/T is one of somatic movement repatterning which can deepen ALL movement practices, such as body practices like yoga as well as the actions of simply moving through one’s life.

When a client comes to me to help them with a challenge, I use my extensive understanding of all aspects of What, Where, When, Why and How of movement, including the foundational developmental patterns of human movement, to help them expand their capacity to move (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) with more ease. I support them not to DO a specific thing, but to cultivate their ability to explore the possibilities of movement while they also learn to observe themselves. I support them to observe their experience and notice the choices available to them. I support them to be more consciously embodied as they move from, through and to these desired "postures"...of yoga, and of life.

As Rolf Gates says, the posture never ends and this is because yoga (like life) is made up of an ongoing complex series of movements! Being more able to Be present within this complexity opens up so many opportunities to Live Life More Fully!

for more information, check out my website: http://www.embodimentllc.com/individual-sessions

My Process of Getting to Know the Moon, February 2021

At the most recent Winter Solstice I made a commitment to myself to deepen my understanding of and relationship with the Moon.

I don’t really remember when I first met the Moon. She has just always been there. I don’t remember when I learned that the Moon orbits the Earth and that the Moon controls the tides or when someone taught me about the relationship between the Moon’s cycle and the one happening in my younger woman’s body each month. All of these pieces of information have been in me for a long time; however, at Yule I committed to deepen my understanding of Her movement and energies, with a special curiosity about the reason for and the effects of the darkening phase of the Moon in each month.

I realize now - although I wasn’t aware of this consciously in December - that this desire to have a deeper, more aware relationship with Mother Moon is part of a larger process I’m always and will forever be a part of: the process of deepening my knowledge, understanding and experience of embodiment.

I have to admit, I have struggled in this particular cycle of the Moon that started as New on January 14th after a two day period of Darkness and then reached its Full face of light and brightness on January 29th.

My feelings of struggling have increased as the Moon has darkened. The struggle has manifested in multiple ways. Poor quality of sleep. Sheer exhaustion by early evening followed by waking fully in the middle of the night. Intense dreams. Unusual lethargy in the morning. A lack of motivation to explore my regular practices that, usually, I approach with fondness, if not actual glee.

And through all of this struggle I’ve been doing my best to explore the lesson that I believe the Moon offers us in this particular cycle: the experience of Grounded Uplift.

I was quite excited to begin this cycle of exploration. I remember thinking, as we wrapped up the last Dark Moon Sister-Circle, that grounded uplift was gonna be my jam! And for a bit it was. I even created a video for my Youtube channel about Core Awareness and moving from the Core that was inspired by my ponderings of this concept of grounded uplift. And then the Full Moon passed and since then life has felt challenging. At first I thought it was simply the normal winter season blahs that I usually feel in late January/early February; however, I realized that this experience has more of a quality of Pull to it. I feel pulled off my center. I feel as if I’m trying to Pull myself into the future more quickly than is possible. Meditating on this sense of Pull, I connected it with the energies of La Luna.

You may have heard people say “We are all connected.” I myself have been using the tagline “Remember, we are all in this together.” as I end most of my Embodiment videos I create for Youtube. I realized Interconnectedness was what I needed to slow down and give attention to: it seems so simple now that I have realized it

“Of course…I am connected to the Earth and the Moon is connected to the Earth and so…oh yeah, the Moon is connected to me. Interconnectedness. Wow.”

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To help me explain to you a bit more deeply how all this fits together I am going to shift focus and share a bit with you about my studies in movement, somatics and embodiment. If this isn’t of interest to you, I invite you to jump down to the next line of asterisks!

Laban Movement Analysis (LMA) is a observational framework to help me observe, experience, language and explore the body in movement (my own body, other bodies, bodies moving in their environment). I have been studying this framework at a very deep and high level for over a decade.

BodyMind Psychotherapy (BMP) is a “simple, user-friendly approach to working with the body in psychotherapy.” I have been self-studying BMP for more than a decade and am currently in the Level One Certification program. In BMP I am deepening my understanding of the value of and the practices of being fully present in the energetic physical sensory system I recognize as “my body”. I am exploring this work for my own personal deepening as well as to expand my capacity to be more fully present while in relationship with all of my different type of clients.

I realized just this morning that in my commitment to be more present and aware of the Moon, I am calling on facets of both of these frameworks. I use LMA when I am actively observing the ways She moves in Her own rotation as well as how She moves in Her orbit through Space around Earth. Like in both LMA and BMP, I am also being invited to pay attention to the way that Her presence and energy has effects on the environment as well as on Me as a part of this interconnected ecosystem.

In my studies in LMA, I have learned a “whole, part, whole” approach that allows me to have a better understanding of movement in any given context. This involves having a big picture idea of what you are exploring, observing or learning so that as you explore and learn about and from the parts you can then bring this awareness back to the whole so that, ultimately, you are in a dynamic spiral of deepening your understanding of both the whole system and the parts involved!

In BMP, we actively explore the Body Systems from an anatomical, physiological and psychological perspective. We use the “whole, part, whole” approach to bring our attention to what we experience as we attend to our Whole selves from the perspective of each body system as it relates to itself and to the Whole.

Wow, THAT was a lot of words. Never fear! I invite you to take a breath and know it is okay if your cognitive brain feels overfull or on sideways (as one of my dear friends describes it!) I invite you to take another breath and read on when you are ready if you’d like to deepen your understanding of all these words/concepts from an embodiment perspective.

If the idea of deepening your understanding resonates inside of you, I invite you to take twenty to thirty minutes to explore this practice:

First, allow five minutes to Check-in with your eternal resources of support. (the blue video link will take you to a guided experience, if you don’t know what this means.)

Then allow yourself five minutes or so to move in relationship with your Skin, ALL of it, every inch! (If this sort of movement feels challenging to you, I invite you to simply imagine the experience of moving with your Skin as if it is the leader of your dance.)

When you are done moving, take a two to three minutes to journal about anything you noticed as you moved/imagined or as you observe the effects of the experience. Possible things you might notice are a change in your vibe, a shift in the awareness of your sense of the size of your Whole or of your Parts. You might have noticed images, sensations, rhythms, stories, emotions, temperature, color or some other experience uniquely your own. Write it down without (too much) cognitive analysis!

Then Check-in again and clear your somatic palate. Settle. When you feel as if you are ready for another experience, allow yourself five minutes or so to move in relationship with your Bones, all the parts of your skeletal system. (Again, if movement does not feel safe or accessible, then I invite you to imagine letting your bones lead the dance.)

When you are done moving/imagining, again take a two to three minutes to journal about anything you noticed or notice as you write.

What did you notice about moving in relationship with your Skin? your Bones? How did the experiences differ? How were they similar? (‘d love for you to share in the comments!)

I have shared this with you because this type of understanding is interwoven in my story of my struggle this month and I appreciate the opportunity to support you in your own experience with my perspective/approach, if this is/was of interest to you.

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To return more directly to my process with getting to know the Moon and embracing the dark in this cycle:

When I started my focused exploration of this concept of Grounded Uplift some three weeks ago (oh my, it seems like months have passed since then!) I understood this exploration to be simply about the balance of energies between gravity and levity. In other words, I initially approached this as an exploration of the physicality of balancing those two dynamic stresses. To allow myself to experience the unconditional loving force of gravity that is essential for me to be in relationship with Grounded Support (as I mention in the Check-in video mentioned in the practice above) while also tending the experience of the kinetic energies that invite me to lift upward and support me to be an upright, moving being.

What I did not take into account in my oh-so cognitive/physical approach to this exploration is that I am relationship with the Moon just as the Earth is. Her energies PULL on the Earth’s fluids. Yes, she pulls on the oceans and lakes of the Earth and this means that She also pulls on the fluids in my body as well. Not only does she affect the blood pulsing in my veins, moving with each beat of my heart but her energy pulls on all the Parts of my entire Fluid system (yet another Body System!)

And whether we consciously realize it or not, our fluid system is intricately related with our Nervous System and our Emotions.

And although I did not realize it earlier in this moon cycle, the Moon has firmly and insistently reminded me of all of this connection in this last week. Was my nervous system affected? Yep. My emotions? Check. My inner tides? Oh yeah. Sleep? Yep. Mood? Yes yes yes!

Mother Moon has guided me to BE in the struggle. She has pushed and pulled me to shift my perspective, to more actively notice all the Parts of my process, parts that were disparate and disconnected three weeks ago. She has guided and continues to guide me (as the process is in no way completed) to, ultimately, have a deeper, richer understanding of all my Parts (Moon, Body, Movement, Spirit, Counseling Support, Therapy, Education, Meditation, Nature, Somatic Abolition, relationships, living life fully, LMA, BMP and and and…) and their relationship with my Whole.

It has been a struggle and yet in this uncomfortable experience She has helped me see that I have a pattern (that I cannot yet verbalize) that I would like to release: a pattern that can deprive me of my capacity to embody, to FEEL the Grounded Uplift dynamic that is always available to me…and to all of us. A pattern that she is inviting me to release (or at least, the parts that I am able) in this Darkening time, even as I write this blog post.

It is with this energy and understanding that I will be joining with you, my Sisters. Together we will blend all of our ideas, energies and desires about Grounded Uplift during this darkening of the moon cycle.

I look forward to gathering together to move, meditate and share in this month’s Embracing the Dark: A Sister-Circle Darkening Moon Meditation.

(If you are reading this after February 7th and feel called to join me in my Embodiment explorations, please check my website for upcoming events that may be of interest.

Remembering Our Practices - Practicing to Resource - Resourcing to Resiliency

I am writing this because of the need for support that I am hearing/sensing from all quarters given the events in our nation's Capitol yesterday.

The events of yesterday 1/6/2021 and the reactions I’ve heard and seen in my world have really affirmed for me the importance of the things I share with individual clients and the participants to my various workshop. To say that I see a need for more capacity for safe embodiment is, at the least, an understatement. It is times like these when our very structure seems unstable that we most often recognize the importance of a regular practice of our resources. A regular practice that includes things like constructive thinking, The Check-in and active self-care during the settled times is the foundational work that helps us expand our capacity to be more resilient in times of great unknown and transition.

I invite you to remember, as we all move together through these turbulent, transitional times, that you have support., if you choose to access it.

At the most basic, you have the support of your breath, of the Earth under your feet, and of your sensory body to orient you into the present moment.

You have the support of your personal practice.

If you choose to, you have the support of a therapeutic relationship.

You have support.

I invite you to remember, you have the capacity to shift how you feel inside.

When the danger that is causing dysregulation is not actually near us and is a creation of our mind, we CAN choose to practice nourishing our nervous system instead of accumulating more pain/stress.

We practice nourishing our nervous systems so that they are able to perform as they are designed, to allow us to rest, digest, recuperate and to be actively responsible for our self-care. We practice nourishing our nervous systems SO THAT they can more readily react in cases where our body is actually in danger, when we truly need the chemicals of adrenalin, cortisol and epinephrine to help us survive and get to safety.

I invite you to remember, that you have support.

We can choose to practice deepening our relationship with the actions of breath, centering, grounding and orienting. These are the resources of our eternal selves. They were gifts given to us at birth to help our nervous systems regulate.

We can choose to practice self-regulation. We can choose to be the thermostat of our life, rather than the thermometer.

I invite you to remember you have the capacity to think constructively, instead of destructively.

"I am free to choose."

"I am free to notice ease."

"I am free to choose where I put my focus."

I invite you to remember, you are free to choose.

By actively doing the practice of recognizing and choosing where you put your focus throughout your day AND by observing HOW your whole Self is affected by what you choose to focus on (intentionally or unintentionally.), you can continually deepen your ability to make choices about your focus and your actions that further help you to co-regulate and self-regulate.

I invite you to remember, you have the capacity to learn and repattern.

We learn to self-regulate not simply to reclaim our place in our Comfort Zone.

We learn to self-regulate in order to ALSO be able to more safely go into the places in our lives that bring up challenging sensations, emotions, actions, beliefs and stories.

We learn to self-regulate in order to help us be able to grow and learn with less overwhelm or panic.

You can choose to self-regulate so that you can have more energy to change the things you can have some effect upon.

You can choose to self-regulate to increase your capacity to let go of what does not serve you and what you can not change.

You can learn to self-regulate so that you can better access attunement and reason within your Self, regardless of what is happening in the world outside of your skin container.

We each practice self-regulating so that we can give care to ourselves, our loved ones, each other and our community. We practice self-regulation to give space for ease and compassion to ourselves and to others.

I invite you to remember, you have support. We are all in this together.
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If you do not feel like you have the capacity to feel and/or access the support available to you or to explore these practices on your own, please contact me or another somatic therapist to help you deepen your practice of embodiment with professional support.