I'm sharing this story because I am excited to have had this experience today. I am also sharing it because it is a great way for me to describe the value of somatic repatterning.
Repatterning is a huge component of what I offer to my clients as a somatic movement therapist and somatic mental health practitioner. Somatic repatterning is not just about physical change - it is applicable to challenges related to movement, action, behavior, emotions, thoughts, beliefs and stories. Repatterning is about consciously changing your relationship with your spiritbodymind.
To that end, here is the story I would like to share:
I am standing at the computer in my home. There is sudddenly some major mechanical something happening in my neighborhood - it sounds like a giant grinder - it is louder and persistent. The pressure from the sound is affecting my nervous system. I notice that it feels as if my skull is being compressed and I am holding my breath. I feel jittery. I notice I feel under attack and I'm starting to get ramped up.
I am feeling sensations similar to those I experienced during anxiety attacks in the long ago past. I am having an experience that was not uncommon to me for several years after my traumatic brain injury. I am experiencing sensory overwhelm and it is triggering anxiety and PTSD patterns in my body. It feels pretty horrific.
I can feel myself wanting to go into a story about the stupid f&*king noisy ass world and wanting to go into an emotional cycle of anger/rage because I feel helpless. I want somebody to scream at. I want to vent to someone who might be able to to do something or make me feel less vulnerable. I can feel the sympathetic part of my nervous system wanting to react: fight or flight? But there is nothing to fight and I don't want to run because I want to stay in my home and keep working. I can feel myself wanting to collapse into a ball, crawl into bed, plug my ears, try to hide from the pressure and the noise. I feel helpless. Sad, overwhelmed helpless victim stuff comes up. This has the potential to be traumatic - I feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, small and vulnerable.
All of this happens in about three seconds.
AND YET, none of it actually happens.
I am, instead, standing here writing to you, grounded, curious.
I did not go into any of the above because I noticed the PATTERN of the cycle of overwhelm and I was able to call on the various neuromuscular patterns within me that I have consciously established over the last several years to help me in this kind of situation. I consciously established this patterns in my neural network by repeatedly practicing various somatic embodiment exercises, every day, multiple times a day, as my life practice.
In short, I called on the patterns that I have learned are valuable for me to be able to live life more fully and that I, in turn, teach and guide and explore with my clients regularly.
I recognize that I was able to notice the old pattern of anxiety and overwhelm because I have these other patterns established in my neural network. Because I was able to short circuit the old patterns, I was then able to choose to take embodied actions that allowed me to stay present with the reality that I am safe, even while I am experiencing the sensory discomfort of the sound and pressure.
Because I could feel the way my nervous system was being tweaked and because I have practiced tending to my body when it gets tweaked, I was able to choose to yield and ground, rather than getting pulled into reactive patterns.
Having done the reps necessary to establish a set of neural pathways directed toward ease and safety, I was able to respond, to stay grounded in my body and breath, to decrease the pressure on my skull (what a miracle), and to lessen the sensations of overwhelm in my whole system.
In case you didn’t catch the gist above, this DID NOT happen by accident.
I was able to give care to myself today in that way as a result of a regular practice of daily somatic, embodiment explorations. And I did those practices because I wanted to be able to support myself better in situations JUST LIKE THIS ONE! I was able to do this because of the many times I've not been able to proactively notice approaching overwhelm, the many times I've gotten tweaked, the many times I've raged or ran or collapsed or froze...and the many times all that happened but then I realized, after the fact, that I do have choices to respond differently, even when my anxiety and sensory overwhelm try to tell me otherwise.
So here I am, in this moment, writing to you, after an experience where I realized, in the moment, that I had a choice to respond differently.
The sound and pressure are still there.
The feelings that my body is experiencing in response to it is still uncomfortable. I will be very relieved when it has ended.
However, I am also really excited to have had this opportunity to actively notice and choose to stay in my body during this difficult experience. It is powerful for me to be able to acknowledge to myself that there is no related emotional content or story that will deplete me, now or in the future. I feel strong in my ability to give care to myself. Knowing that I was able to deal with this experience of sensory overwhelm and anxiety without exacerbating my discomfort is incredibly healing. Praise be to this journey! It has been some of the hardest work of my life. I am grateful to myself for this hard work I have done. I am grateful to you who have read through all of this. This journey of healing is an ongoing process and I feel blessed that I have been able to share with you in this way.
If reading this inspires you to learn more about the process of somatic repatterning to help you develop more capacity to identify and transform patterns in your life that no longer serve you, please contact me at 573-575-6683. You can read more about repatterning on my website: http://www.embodimentllc.com/individual-sessions